watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
