Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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