last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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