theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
