You're a womanizer and a bitch.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
