I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
