I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
