Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Randomize
