I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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