I puked a lego.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
