was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
