Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
