So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
