Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
