there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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