I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
