I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
