This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
