Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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