ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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