If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
