saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Randomize
