Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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