Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
The air was thick with penises
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
