Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
