I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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