I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
