Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
so that wasnt chicken after all
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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