I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
