My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
