I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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