i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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