3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
