He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
