Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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