Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
