Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
