Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
