the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
