I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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