playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
