I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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