my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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