Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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