Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
