Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
My ass is underappreciated
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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