Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
