i just snorted my name. best moment ever
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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