I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
