bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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